Jon's Blog

This is Severe

2012-02-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

I have been holding off going to the hospital since last Sunday so that I can get to this SMI evaluation on Monday. Maybe after the evaluation I will go to the hospital, or maybe I'll calm down. I'm having delusional religious thoughts. I'm fearing that I'm going to get stuck with a group of men I can't tolerate. I have never been good around men unless I was drinking or drugging. I believe this is why I left the military so abruptly. I could never stay at Bible Camp for the whole week due to severe depression which no body really picked up on. I preferred working with women during my working years. I select women doctors whenever possible. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. All my financial pressures are building. I have to go to a tax preparer again this year because I don't understand some of the stuff on Turbo Tax and this is going to cost me money which would better be spent elsewhere.

Everyday I've been trying to make it until 5 when the college basketball games come on. I don't pay so much attention to the game, but the voices of the sports announcers seems to calm me down.

I'm praying that I will be o.k. for dinner and the concert with the Barry's. I'm taking some extra medicine with me just in case. I want to be really calm tomorrow. There are a lot of college basketball games on Saturday, so maybe this will keep me calm.

Then comes Sunday. I don't know that I will be able to go to church because I had a hallucination and a delusional thought at last Sunday's service. And then I had to leave the Barry's church because of my anxiety.

I wish Dr. Purewall could give me a heavy sedative to take. Ativan just isn't enough.

My neck feels like a steel cable on the Golden Gate bridge and my jaws are so clenched that they feel like they're going to crack.

Am I sick? I feel so.

Disappointed

2012-02-10T05:04:00.000-08:00

My good mood didn't last very long. By noon yesterday I was starting to have the electrical feelings in my body and increased anxiety. This morning I am so restless. I woke up before I wanted to and really would have liked to have slept longer, but I couldn't get back into bed. I had the thought yesterday that I might be moving into a hypo-manic episode because I felt so good. And now with this restlessness and getting up at 3:30 in the morning, it makes me wonder more.

At least I've been able to stay out of the hospital and hope that I can manage to stay out because I really want to go the the Tabernacle choir concert tomorrow night and to my appointment on Monday.

I changed my Medicare insurance last November and it became effective January 1. They assigned me a new primary care physician, but I haven't made an appointment. I cancelled my last appointment with my cardiologist because I know I am do for another stress test and a cardiac catheterization and don't have the money to pay my out-of-pocket expenses for these procedures. But today I'm calling my PCP to make an appointment because I'm running low on one of my blood pressure medicines.

I continue to be anxious about the thought of moving into a group home. I was thinking yesterday that maybe I can avoid this if there were free out-patient services I could attend daily. I don't know what they are going to ask at this appointment on Monday. Hopefully my therapist's letter will help them to understand what's going on. Anya will be going with me an perhaps she will be able to shed light on my situation as well. I am so grateful that she is willing to go with me.

It's 6 A.M. I've been up since 3:30. I pray that I can get through this day without going to the hospital.

A Good Mood - Really?

2012-02-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of weeks since I started my new meds I've been waking up with anxiety, irritability, and a feeling of helplessness. The same thing happened today. But then I went out to run some errands and my mood shifted completely. At this moment I feel great, with no symptoms of anything. I actually have a feeling of comforting warmth going through my body. I'm tempted not to take my anti-anxiety medicine (I play with my meds frequently). But I'll take the med just as I should.

I've been given an additional diagnosis - Schizoid personality disorder. I won't get into this, but reading about it pretty much explains things.

I've also been classified as "Bipolar Disorder - Rapid Cycling", meaning I have several episodes during the course of the year. This is nothing new really. But I'm thinking I might be "ultra-ultra cycling", meaning I can have episodes several times a day. I'll let the docs figure this out.

I've been hoping that I can make it until Monday when I have my SMI evaluation. I've been thinking I want to be in the hospital. I have a lot of worries and concerns about living in a group home. I'm trying hard not to focus on all my problems. I've been trying to just let go of them and let them play out as they will. I know I will have to take action, but I think my mental health and getting into a group home is my priority.

This evaluation is conducted to by someone contracted my the state to determine if one should receive or qualify for a SMI designation. I don't know if this is good or bad. But in order to get into a group home, you have to have this diagnosis.

I have a lot of questions about group homes. Funny thing is that my main concern is that they might have only one TV and people will fight over what to watch. Do they get ESPN. How many other freedoms will I have to give up. Will I be able to live with others who I have never met. What if I get a bad counselor? How will I get around? Will I lose my car. Will I get the proper psychiatric care? Is this for the rest of my life? So many questions.

All this has been worrying me since it was suggested that I need to live in a group home. Lots of feelings and fears have been involved. I'm sure they aren't over.

So that's the update. I'll try to write more as more information becomes available.

This Could Take Awhile

2012-02-06T10:26:00.000-08:00

Today I made some phone calls as suggested by my therapist to find out about group homes. My therapist gave me a number to call, but I was referred to other numbers until I finally got the one I needed. They took my information and said that someone would call me back within twenty-four hours. Within an hour a lady called me and took down some information and set up an appointment for me for next week. Anya has graciously agreed to go with me and my therapist is giving me a letter to take to the appointment. I see my therapist tomorrow and I hope she can shed some light on what's going on and what to expect.

The thought of living in a group home scares me, yet I know I can't continue to live the way I am. I need a full time coach, which a group home can provide. The people who will be doing the evaluation will be under the state-funded Magellan umbrella. This could take a while. I don't know what to do in the meantime.

I haven't been able to go to my AA meetings for the past few days for reasons of unknown fear. Yesterday I had to leave Adam, Anya, John and Ella early during their church meeting. I felt awful about doing this but I was having anxiety and fear problems. I really felt bad.

I've been going to Word of Life Lutheran church for the past five weeks. Yesterday a new pastor started. He was wearing a black stole. This is supposed to be a traditional service, but it was socratic with congregation participation. I prefer a prepared sermon. My mother would roll over in her grave if she new that women now participate in the service, though I'm not that way. The pastor made a comment that we were the devil's children. This gave me an hallucination and some delusional thoughts. I probably didn't hear him say that we have been redeemed and forgiven. Nope, I focus on the bad stuff which troubled me for most of the day.

I have my Bipolar/Depression support group meeting tomorrow. Last week it was confusing, disorganized with too much cross-talk. I hope it isn't this way tomorrow as I've been enjoying these meetings.

I don't have much money and making it until next week is going to be difficult, so I will be staying home as much as possible, watching TV and sitting at my computer to stay busy. I should probably take some walks, but I will probably just veg out and whirl things through my head.

That's the update.

This is So Hard

2012-02-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

There's a real possibility that I may need to move into a group home. Forever? I don't know. I am at the stage of giving up and going to live with people I don't know, all who have different personalities, some whom I may not like living with. But I can't live alone anymore. I can manage very little of my life. Someone has to take over for me.

While it's been just a little over a week into my med change, I feel worse than I did when I started them. These meds are cheap, but they are very old. The new meds, which would be more effective, I can't afford, so I'm stuck with these. I feel I need an anti-depressant, but these tend to make my manic. I see my psychiatrist again on the 21st.

I'm trying to survive these next few days without running off to the hospital where they would do little for me. When I was there before Christmas, it took two days before I saw a psychiatrist. There were no counselors or social workers coming around to check on me. It was awful. So I know that if I ran off to the hospital, it would be a waste of time and money. At least here I can watch the TV shows I want to watch.

I'm hoping that I can visit with David and Anya this weekend. I don't want to be alone. I don't feel like going to Lori and Francisco's and don't want to use up precious gas going down there.

I'm in a certain peace while still having awful anxiety knowing that help is on the way. I'm just impatient.

What if the group home won't take me? I would be in real trouble if this happened.

What's a group home like? How much help will I get? How much freedom will I lose.

I'm thinking about giving up on the bankruptcy and just letting everybody come and get a piece of me. I can't do this on my own. I'm too afraid.

I shouldn't be driving either. Maybe a group home would solve that.

Life is very difficult for me right now. I wish someone was holding my hand through all of this.

Desparate

2012-02-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

I have reached a state of overload and I am now desperate. I can no longer manage my life. I can't make decisions for myself. I am in grave financial trouble. I may be losing my car. I don't know if I should go through with this bankruptcy or not, fearing that some how I will lose my benefits because of the names I've used during my life. Robin want's me in a group home but I don't have the money for the co-pay. I can't live alone right now. The hospital won't do much for me other that calm my mind down from the terrible depression, mania, and anxiety. It's too much. I am inclined to think that the first steep is to go to the hospital to get my mind calmed down. I don't know what to do.

Thank You to Anya

2012-01-24T15:35:00.000-08:00

If it weren't for Anya's wisdom fro me to engage in activities online, I would still be watching TV, getting more and more depressed and anxious. I started reading and writing a lot in my online forums, journals, and diaries, which others can read and comment on. I always like the comments. Anya told me that TV was a passive activity and that I needed more interaction. So I followed her advice and things feel better today. Actually, I started feeling better yesterday afternoon.

I went for a short walk this afternoon and found myself talking to myself about walking more and possibly running again one day. Well, I'm a long way from being able to run even fifty yards. Tomorrow I'm going to reformat the running logs I started in the 90s and use this as my challenge and motivation for change. I have to take this slow and stop procrastinating.

I have my support group meeting tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I look forward to being with this crowd and hope that I can make close relationships with some of them.

Today at my AA meeting, my friend Jim shared with the group that I was the one who had founded the meeting. There are lots of new people that go to this meeting that had no idea. I felt some joy from this, and pride. Yet, it was through Deb's and Anya's efforts, and ultimately God's direction that I ever made it to AA. So I try to enjoy the accolades, but realize it all came from Above.

It's tax time. I went out and got Turbo Tax to see if I can do my own taxes this year. I surely don't have the money to pay someone to do it. I started the very simple process but ran into a delay because one of my forms won't be ready until next month. Oh well, at least I had some courage to get going on my own.

So now it's off to my meeting.

More Depression

2012-01-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

I've been going to Word of Life Lutheran church for the past three weeks, hoping that a connection with my early childhood upbringing will kick in. I look forward to going there. It's interesting how I am drawn to church and religion when I am so down but put it aside when I'm well.

Well, I haven't been well. The depression, fear and anxiety have been awful. I went to the Barry's yesterday. I started complaining to Anya, which I do too much of, about how depressed I am. I was surprised to hear her say that I've been depressed for the past twelve months. I don't know why I'm surprised. And I don't know why my doctor's haven't picked up on it. But it was about twelve months ago that my spending spree ended and I found myself deeply in debt. The stress of all this is terrible. It was nice to go to church with them during the afternoon.

I was looking through my medicine bottles today and I see that I will be running out of one of them this week, a mood stabilizer. I will be running out of others soon. Seeing that I have no money, I'm going to be off medicines, including my blood pressure medicine for about three months while my bankruptcy gets processed. I have to pay up front for the attorney, so I'm making two payments which will cover the costs. The attorney said that my debts should be discharged by April. I feel guilty about this. I feel guilty about all the times Deb bailed me out. But because of the attorney fees, I won't have the money for the meds. Hey, I'll just go to the hospital if I get into a real jam. This is life as it is for me now.

I belong to several online forums and I find that spending as much time as I can on these takes some of the depression and anxiety away. It's a bit overwhelming to be writing and reading so much, but I need to do this to stay out of the hospital.

I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow. I don't know if he can get me free samples or not. I don't know what to tell the guy. What can he do if I don't take meds?

And that's pretty much it.

Bankruptcy

2012-01-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

I have decided that the only solution to my financial mess is to declare bankruptcy. I'm listened to many people on this. There seem to be just as many "for" this move as there are people "against" this move.

One of my pills alone cost $10.00/pill and my prescription for this medicine is expected to rise to a higher dosage by the end of the month.

The way my Medicare insurance works is such that I get assistance on the first $2500.00 and then I have to pay all out-of-pocket. I may not be able to take all the medicines prescribed even after bankruptcy.

I hace stopped dwelling on my mistakes, but I'm anxiously waiting to see what materializes int the future. This causes extreme worry and stress, making my illness worse and harder to control.

Because of my SSDI benefit amount, I don't qualify for any state, federal, or local aid. I don' t qualify for any assistance from the pharmaceutical companions either. I look around and see abuses of these programs. No wonder they want to make cuts to entitlement programs. This is scary.

My ribs are still healing. I have to take short naps in my recliner to get my sleep. I can't sleep for long, deep hours, so I have to be satisfied with what sleep I can get.

I think I'll get back into my recliner now and hope for and hour or two.

As Anya aptly said, "What's the worse that can happen?", replying with "You die". I do want to die but suicide isn't an option for me, so I have to live this until someone comes up with a solution. Acceptance may be the only option for me, as it is with so many in even more severe circumstances.

I've never been one who handles stress very well. In this predicament I'm in, the stress simply exacerbates the illness I have. I try to tell myself not to be anticipating the future when there is little I can do about it. Yet, I'm living in the future a lot.

I'm going to start to working on my fears with Robin when I see her this morning. I am in no imminent danger, so this is not a fight or flight situation. The fear is totally based on thoughts that things in the future will go wrong. This is where I need her help.

So, I have my challenges. If it weren't this, it would be something else. I would say that this is a humbling experience, but I continue to think that a load of money is going to drop in my lap. Until I accept my situation, the longer I'm going to be stuck in fear. And that's the name of that story.

Ribs

2012-01-14T04:33:00.000-08:00

I fell at the Barry's on Thursday around four o'clock. Falling at an older age is really a shock, but I managed to get comfortable in one of their sofas to I could keep an eye on John and Ella. For the past couple of nights, I've been sleeping in my recliner as it's too painful to sleep in bed. Early this morning I had to go to the ER because the pain was too much. Apparently I have either a contusion or a hairline fracture. The X-rays were's conclusive. The doctor gave me a prescription for a pain med and sent me on my way, after four hours, mostly sitting around. If the hospital were like a hotel, the customer would refuse to pay and would expect a free stay elsewhere. At least I have a med I can take when I go to bed which should help me sleep.

Happy New Year

2012-01-09T07:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I missed blogging on the Twelfth Day of Christmas, though Christmas is still in my heart and mind.

I've had good days and bad days. I just wish this electrical feeling that runs through my arms and shoulders and the anxiety would leave me. I'm feeling fine right now but because I get these feelings so often, I have fear in me that it will show up sometime during my day. Lately it's been starting early in the morning. I haven't been sleeping well either.

As I was at my meeting this morning, I was thinking about forgiveness and realized that I have a lot of people to forgive including myself. Many people have told me that I can't live in shame and guilt, but it's hard. I'm a time traveler of sorts because I don't live in the moment as often as I should. The past and the future can bring on fear. Thinking about the future causes me a great deal of anticipatory anxiety, and I mean, a lot. So I have much work to do in the area of my life.

There are two other meetings at the same meeting hall that I can go to each day. I've gone to two or three of the 12:15 P.M. meetings, but I like the morning meeting the most. I really should allow myself to get closer to some of these people that I might develop stronger friendships which would allow me to have some visitors at home and to get out more often. Spending roughly 21 hours a day cooped up in a one-bedroom apartment has really worn on me. Sitting at my computer and in my recliner watching TV sure doesn't help.

I have no plans for the day. I don't like it when I start my days out with no plans, nothing to look forward to, though the Rose Bowl is on tonight. I don't know where to go or what to do.

On Saturday I went to the Barry's and did some gardening and helped them out with a few things. It was really nice that they took me out to Red Lobster for lunch. I wasn't expecting this. We went shopping afterwards. On my way home I dropped off some things they wanted to donate at Goodwill. I like the people at Goodwill where the drop off is. They help you with your things and will even take them out of your car for you.

I went to church at Word of Life Lutheran church yesterday. I wish I hadn't had so much anxiety, fear and worry in me because it might have been good for me to hang around for their after-service coffee time and meet people. I remember that my mother was good at this. She could talk to anyone. There were mostly seniors at the early service. I didn't see any young people or children. They have three services there so I imagine they probably show up later to align it with Sunday School. I may go back there next Sunday.

There really is much going on in my life, so I guess I will end this here.

Eleventh Day of Christmas

2012-01-04T02:50:00.000-08:00

Here it is, the eleventh day of Christmas. I got my count for the days of Christmas wrong.

I've been alone with computer and TV for more than a week and it's been really tough. Actually, I did get out to my support group last night which was cut short because there weren't very many attendees. I hope this group lasts as there is a chance it won't. I need to get out. I need some friends that I can be with during the day. But having friends has always be hard for me.

I spent most of the day yesterday watching coverage of the Iowa caucus. This overwhelmed me. TV and computer are getting old right about now. I've been terribly lonely these days.

Tomorrow I see an attorney about my finances. I'm sure he will suggest bankruptcy. This is a terrible embarrassment for me and it carries much guilt. Nevertheless, I have to take action or I won't be able to pay for my pills and doctors bills, which would have dire consequences.

I'm hoping to go the Anya's today. I'm hoping that my seeds are sprouting. I'm sure there is more I can do in their backyard as well.

I wish I had more to report, but I don't. So I'll leave it at that.

Eleventh Day of Christmas - Attorney

2012-01-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

I am meeting with an attorney on Thursday to discuss my finances. They are really bad and my recent hospitalization won't help things. I'm really nervous about all of this and wish I didn't have to do it alone, fearing I'll make a mistake. But if I don't do something now, I won't have the money to pay for my healthcare and prescription co-pays. What a mess I got myself into.Thank you Bipolar Disorder.

I have my group tonight. I've been isolated at home since Christmas. I don't have anywhere to go so my options aren't great.

I'm taking down my Christmas decorations on Friday. I'm going to turn on the Christmas tree lights and have them lit for the next two days. It's going to look a bit empty once they're all packed away.

I've been watching coverage of the Iowa caucaus all day on CNN. Pretty repetitive.

Nothing else going on.

Tenth Day of Christmas

2012-01-02T17:46:00.000-08:00

Two more days of Christmas. May the Christmas spirit stay with us through out the year.

Today has been a good day despite some up and down moods. I don' have a record of when I started rapid cycling, but today has been one of those days. Anxiety and fear have been at a minimum. I've been lonely off and on, mostly when I'm not paying attention to what I'm doing. I've been watching football just about every day, college and pro. Today I watched the Gator Bowl and I have the Rose Bowl on now.

I've really wanted to be with family since Christmas. I hope I can be with them this week. I haven't been to Anya's to work in the backyard when I should have. It would have been good exercise.

I took a short walk this afternoon just to get out from the confines of my apartment. I do this quite often, especially during anxious periods. I could really use a different place to walk. I like mall walking so maybe I'll get over there this week.

My lungs have been pretty good except for a bout of bronchitus and I needed a breathing treatment at the hospital. I also haven't needed oxygen for most of this year. My oxygen saturation has been running aroud 93-95 %. A normal person runs 98-100%.

I'm going to watch Hoarders and the Tostitos Bowl from Glendale, flipping back and forth. The Hoarders show is all new and looks disgusting.

I still haven't taken down my Christmas decorations. I'll do that on Friday. I'm going to miss this stuff until next year. I've had these decorations out since several days before Thanksgiving, so the place is going to look a little bare, but I'll get used to it.

Finally, the weather has been awesome. This is definitely the best time of the year.

So on with that last hour of my day. Have a good night.

Ninth Day of Christmas

2012-01-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

Today I'm calling an attorney to help me with my finances. I can't afford and attorney, but I need to do something. My physical and mental health have hit rock bottom. The attorney will probably suggest bankruptcy, as would most people in the financial world.

I can no longer tolerator the electrical feelings running through my body all day long, not to mention terrible anxiety and stress. I don't even want to look back at what happened because it is too troubling.

I went to sleep last night at 7 and woke up at midnight. I'm still sleepy and no I could fall asleep, but I would way up with awful anxiety and electrical feelings. The pain of it all is almost unbearable.

I"m going to keep my Christmas decorations out for three more days and stick with the twelve days of Christmas idea. I will hate to take them down as it's going to feel empty once again. I"m already looking forward to next Christmas.

I took my shower and dressed. I"m so tempted to get back into bed but I know what will happen. I'm sleepy and tired. I just have to stay awake.

It's been a long five days away from family. I guess everyone's been sick. I know I don't need to get sick as I am highly susceptible to pneumonia. I don't need to be back on oxygen.

Nothing much happening, so until latter.....have a happy day.

Sixth Day of Christmas

2011-12-30T02:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like Christmas is over, at least in terms of the commercialism of it. I'm sure there are those who still have gifts to return, which is why the traffic seems do heavy. I'm thinking of taking down my Christmas decorations, even though I thought I might wait until New Year's Day. I think commercial Christmas is over for me. They say that the spiritual Christmas should last all year. I hope this is the case for me.

The whole family is sick, so I'm not able to visit without risking getting sick myself. I hope every one recovers quickly

Not much else to report. Later....

Happy Fifth Day of Christmas

2011-12-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

Well, it's not exactly a happy day for me. I've had terrible anxiety all day. I can't take my new med until bedtime. I've been extremely stressed out with my financial situation. I'm afraid of calling an attorney and wish there was someone who could go with me. I don't feel like I can do it alone.

I've gone for two short walks today. When I'm walking I feel less anxiety, but I can only walk so far and then the anxiety comes back.

I understand that the Barry's are all sick and David is sick. So we're all having down days. I wish the Kotila family celebrated New Years. I am really missing the celebration we had for Christmas. I want to be with family so much and we're all sick in one way or another.

David and I were supposed to go to a hockey game last night but he was sick and we couldn't go.

It looks like I will be watching football all weekend. I just wish the anxiety would go away.

Well, I have nothing more to say. Just wish it would be a happier fifth day of Christmas.

Fourth Day of Christmas

2011-12-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

I went to Francisco and Lori's this morning but had to leave I was so shaky and had the usual electrical feelings running though me. These are terrible feelings. I wasn't there long that I left for Walgreen's to pick up my new prescriptions. One of them cost me $329.00, this was the new one. But twenty minutes after taking the meds, the shakiness subsided and the electrical feelings went away. It's now shortly past three in the afternoon and they haven't come back. But I am terribly lonely and this is producing some anxiety.

I listened to some Christmas music while I was driving around. I will continue to listen to a little each day right through New Year's Day. Right now I'm listening to a collection of choir music which I find glorious.

I'm going to watch some football tonight that I recorded from last weekend. I don't know that I will watch the Cardinal's game as they lost.

David and I were supposed to go to a hockey game tonight but he is sick and I have a bit of a sore throat. It's a real bummer that we can't go as we rarely get one on one time. I was really looking forward to going as the Bruins are playing the Coyotes. Such a disappointment.

That's about it for the fourth day of Christmas.

The Third Day of Christmas

2011-12-27T06:19:00.000-08:00

Today is the third day of Christmas. Yesterday was a very long and anxious day for me. It was hard not being with family, but I'm sure they all need a break right about now.

Today I have a follow-up with the psychiatrist who visited me in the hospital (only once). I don't plan on seeing him regularly as I like Heidi, my psych nurse. I don't like it when a perfect stranger who knows little about me starts messing with my meds, like they did in the hospital. One day I went with only half of my mood stabilizer and they increased another, all without seeing the psychiatrist. I think I've learned my lesson. I need to increase my visits to Robin, my therapist, and Heidi. And I most definitely need to make calls to them when I need help. Today's psychiatric units don't do a thing. I really could have used some intensive therapy when I was in, but I received zero therapy. I'm going to see this guy today and that will be it, fulfilling the hospital's aftercare directive. I see Heidi on the eleventh and then I should be back on track.

My financial woes have me stressed out to the max. I keep putting off going to an attorney in hopes that somehow I can get buy. If my car breaks down, there's no way to fix it. If something goes wrong with the condo, the same thing. These thoughts whirl through my mind all day and it's painful. There seems to be no help in sight.

I have my support group meeting tonight. This is a free group for people with Bipolar Disorder and/or depression. At first I didn't like going to these meeting, but I look forward to them now.

My Christmas decorations are still up and there were still Christmas commercials on TV last night when I watched Monday Night Football. The season is still upon us.

Francisco and Lori never showed yesterday. Lori left me a voicemail after I had gone to bed and apologized saying that they would try to make it over later this week.

I'm looking forward to going to a Coyotes vs. Bruins hockey game Wednesday night with David. It's so rare that we get together and I'm going to soak up the time we get to share at the game.

That's about it. Have a nice day.

The Second Day of Christmas

2011-12-26T11:57:00.000-08:00

I deleted all my posts a few weeks back. It's something I do now and then. I thought I'd try to get started again on this second day of Christmas. First of all I want to thank my entire family for their wonderful gifts and hosting Christmas gatherings and dinners. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I would be lost without my family, each and every one of them. Ella gave me a heart that says, 'I love you," on it. I've already placed it on my heart with love and thanks, knowing that we all share this love in our own ways. It's said that there are twelve days of Christmas. I was going to take down my Christmas decorations today, only one day after Christmas, but I decided against it. Instead, I told myself that I would keep them up until after New Years. It's hard to think of Christmas when it's 115 degrees in the dead heat of summer, but I think that everyday should be Christmas Day, savoring every last morsel of the true meaning of Christmas. I've been up and down with this though throughout my life, but no matter what a person believes, I think we owe it to each other to at least acknowledge that we can love and are loved every day. For me this is hard for a lot of reasons. I struggle with loneliness, even when I'm with people I love. This has been the case all my life. I tell myself that it doesn't have to be this way, but off I go into despair. I want to change this but don't know how. During my week, there is always some place to go and people to meet, so it's not for the lack of social contact that I'm lonely, but because I make myself lonely. It's easy to get caught in this trap living alone. Still, there's something to be said for solitude. I've embraced it all my life, but I've also isolated.

Today, my friends Lori and Francisco are coming over to give me a gift. Lori said that they would come in the morning, but it's now afternoon, leading me to wonder if they are coming at all. I don't know why they couldn't have called and let me know they are running late. I'm almost always on time, usually earlier than expected. I couldn't get them a gift this year, so I'm a little bit uncomfortable that they have something for me.

Yes, it's the second day of Christmas. I have two football games to watch today, but I'm much more inclined to listen to classical music and read the book David gave me, a real funny book which I'll read a little at a time to let it last longer and let Christmas linger.

My lawn chair broke this morning and I had to throw it out for fear that I would sit in it in the middle of the night and have it collapse on me. The thing was beginning to shred so I disposed of it. I don't think I'm going to replace it.

Well, I don't have anything more to say but, "Merry Second Day of Christmas".